


More Texts From Last Night

by blythechild



Series: Texts From Last Night [2]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Consequences, Developing Relationship, Drinking, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Inappropriate Behavior, Inappropriate Humor, Moving In Together, Texting, Texts From Last Night, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 14:32:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2232507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blythechild/pseuds/blythechild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reid and Prentiss's unexpected relationship continues to unfold through text messages. This part contains excessive drinking, goats, and improbable snakes. </p><p>A follow-up story to (surprise, surprise!) Texts From Last Night.</p><p>This is a work of fanfiction and as such I do not claim ownership over the characters herein. It was created as a personal entertainment. It contains drinking, adult language, and mature themes, and should not be read by those under the age of 18.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Texts From Last Night

**Author's Note:**

> This is a follow-up to [Texts From Last Night](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2193390), so go read that first if you haven't already. I apologize for the uninspired title; I can write this or come up with a creative moniker, but obviously I can't do both.

Garcia: Where ARE you? You’re so late that if you wait a little longer, you’ll circle back around again to early for tomorrow.  
Reid: Car trouble. Cover for me?  
Garcia: I have been, but Hotch is building an immunity to my Jedi mind tricks.  
Garcia: What sort of car trouble takes 4 hours?  
Reid: The kind that happens out of state.  
Garcia: Wait… where the hell are you? You were here yesterday!  
Reid: Connecticut. Emily had a meltdown with her mom last night. I went to help - feared lives might be lost.  
Garcia: Sweety, is this code for a booty call?  
…  
Reid: Not entirely. The way I kissed her was actually charming, then it devolved to car sex and my transmission paid the price.  
Garcia: It’s like some freaky sex alien body-snatched my friend…  
Reid: I can’t help it. I’m not sure that I want to either. But I’m terribly exhausted most of the time.  
Garcia: Just so you know, your behavior last night is currently generating a landslide of new nicknames inside my head.  
Reid: Please don’t. Just… don’t. Isn’t it bad enough that I killed my car with sex?

\----

Prentiss: Hey. Where are you?  
Reid: 50 miles outside of D.C. The rental car has a top speed of ‘3-toed sloth’.  
Prentiss: LOL. I’m sorry, babe. Again. It’s not all my fault though… I am a repeat victim of your hotness.  
Reid: Yes, the parking lot incident will linger. I’m sure whoever has the surveillance tapes would also agree.  
Prentiss: Are you angry? Your text reads angry…  
Reid: I shouldn’t be texting and driving. It’s incredibly unsafe. Studies have proven that multitasking, esp. driving + task, reduces reaction time to  
…  
…  
Prentiss: Babe?  
…  
Prentiss: SPENCER?  
Reid: See? You were worried.  
Prentiss: ASSHOLE  
Reid: :)

\----

Reid: What have you done to Emily?  
J.J.: Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy Speence!  
Reid: Jesus, I hope that Will has a mop handy if Em’s state offers any insight into yours…  
J.J.: C’mon. Oughta thk me. She told me she wsa gonna giv u teh dirty flea when she got hom  
Reid: Dirty flea?  
J.J.: Sounds lik u guys have moar sex than teenagd rabits. Sorta jealous.  
Reid: I really don’t know how to respond to that.  
J.J.: Nooo its good, ya kno? I alwys new u had it in u, S. Just needed teh rite girl. She luvs u… crazy amts. Like gas & fire, or pb&j. Pot & Doritos…  
Reid: Okay, J.J. Time to go lie down.  
J.J.: Listen, at sum point in her life evry girl has 2 decide how much weird she’s willing 2 tolerate 4 hot tall nerd cock & Em has made tht choice & its a gr8t one. I luv u guys.  
Reid: I’m sure that you meant that affectionately. I’m on the fence about whether I should show you this conversation tomorrow.  
J.J.: Reid, this is Will. On behalf of my drunk-ass wife, I apologize. If y’all could forget that this ever took place, she’d probably appreciate it.  
Reid: Of course :) Emily’s honestly in no better shape. I would suggest that we find a way so that this doesn’t happen again…  
J.J.: LOL! When you figure out a way to tell an armed woman something they don’t wanna hear, you let me know, alright?

\----

Prentiss: Wjhhusg jghgk?  
Reid: Are you awake or having a seizure?  
Prentiss: Jesus… so late for work…  
Reid: Took the liberty of telling Hotch that you had the flu.  
Prentiss: Fabulous. Thx.  
…  
…  
Prentiss: Shit! What happened last night?  
Reid: You had a girl’s night with J.J., who is also coincidentally under the weather today.  
Prentiss: Did I puke?  
Reid: Repeatedly. But not before you walked into my apt. ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick.  
…  
Prentiss: Fuck, really?  
Reid: What, you don’t remember the Dirty Flea? It was magical…  
Prentiss: Please tell me that this is early morning sarcasm. Plz.  
Reid: Partially. You didn’t make it past the zipper. And the vomit snuffed out any remaining magic ;)  
Prentiss: We can’t stop going out, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don’t wanna buy hair elastics.  
Reid: High praise indeed. I feel so special.  
…  
Prentiss: I’ve been thinking… maybe we should get a place. Together.  
…  
Reid: Take some aspirin and go back to bed.  
Prentiss: Wow. Wasn’t expecting that response…  
Reid: Do you really want to have this conversation when only a few metabolic steps separate you from ‘plastered’?  
Prentiss: Working up to this conversation is why I went out with J.J. in the first place. But never mind. Get back to your day.  
Reid: I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t mean to be dismissive. Can we discuss this later? Tonight maybe?  
…  
Reid: Emily?  
…  
Reid: Okay, this isn’t immature at all.  
…

\----

Reid: *sigh* I need advice…  
Garcia: What’s doin’?  
Reid: May I be completely candid? I need to know that this conversation won’t become Facebook fodder or something you discuss with Morgan.  
Garcia: This sounds Extinction Level Event serious. Should I be hoarding canned meat and bottled water? Oh, and yes, my lips are sealed, btw.  
Reid: Em asked me to move in with her and I was a jerk about it.  
Garcia: Why? I thought that you guys were living out of each other’s go bags anyway?  
Reid: Everything changes if we do this.  
Garcia: And that’s bad how???  
Reid: All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn’t matter what it’s about. Last week it was about a homeless guy outside the grocery store.  
Garcia: Ummm, maybe TMI, but go on and please make your point.  
Reid: I’m pretty sure that I love her - I’ve told her so. But there’s also an unrealistic level of lust happening here. What if I’m wrong?  
Garcia: Wrong about loving her?  
Reid: What if I’m wrong about HER loving ME? What if she grows tired of me once the sex wears off?  
Garcia: Oh, Baby Genius, that’s not how sex works. You two have already lapped the half-life of lust anyway. I’m pretty sure that she’s in it to win it.  
…  
Garcia: Besides, you two are a pin-up pair for nerds everywhere. I’ve seen you guys geek out and it is spectacular to behold. Even if your dick fell off, she’d probably still want you for that aspect alone.  
Reid: Well, what if she wants marriage and babies and stuff?  
Garcia: Do YOU want marriage and babies and stuff?  
Reid: Maybe.  
Garcia: WELL THEN QUIT BEING A DUMBASS & CALL A MOVING VAN ALREADY. THIS SUBJECT IS CLOSED. MEETING ADJOURNED.  
Reid: Garcia?  
…  
Reid: Hello?

\----

Garcia: jhqkghjkhwdbkjhbckjhdsgf!  
J.J.: not so loud, honey  
Garcia: Sorry. Reid pissed me off.  
J.J.: how?  
Garcia: Because he’s being MALE.  
J.J.: i assume that there is delayed meaning to that statement…  
Garcia: Emily asked him to move in. He was a jerk, and then cont’d. being a jerk while discussing it with me because he ACTUALLY wants to do it but is acting like he doesn’t.  
J.J.: damn, i’m never drinking that much tequila again. i take a day off and everything goes to hell.  
Garcia: ???  
J.J.: i put emily up to asking reid about living together. thought he’d jump at the offer.  
Garcia: Well, he’s worried that she’s only interested in jumping him. Not thinking long term.  
J.J.: their chemistry is… unusual  
Garcia: Frightening  
J.J.: biblical  
Garcia: Penthouse Forum material  
J.J.: ;) yes, all of that. but they are also nuts for each other. i want them to put that to good use and having litters of reid-lets.  
Garcia: *dying from the cute* My point exactly.  
…  
J.J.: have we gone too far? should we just let them work it out on their own?  
Garcia: Never! Death before dishonor!  
J.J.: ok then… new plan…

\----

Garcia: Take her on vacation.  
Reid: You’re speaking to me again?  
Garcia: Provisionally. Pick someplace where you two have to do a lot of couple-y things together. And, NO, sex doesn’t count.  
Reid: I don’t understand how this straightens out the living together mess.  
Garcia: Figure it out, genius. MEETING ADJOURNED AGAIN.  
Reid: Always nice having one-way conversations with you, P.

\----

Reid: You can’t avoid me forever.  
Prentiss: We’re in a briefing!  
Reid: Please. The case outline is two pages - it took 30 seconds for me to absorb.  
…  
Reid: Emily…  
Prentiss: What.  
Reid: Are you that determined to end this?  
…  
Prentiss: no  
Prentiss: But if we’re not moving forward, I don’t know what we’re doing.  
Reid: Allow me to propose a Plan B?  
Prentiss: ok  
Reid: Costa Rica  
Prentiss: I’m gonna need a little more info here  
Reid: Costa Rica, Central America  
Prentiss: Very funny. Keep going.  
Reid: I found a place that rents huts on a beach by the ocean. No room service, no restaurants, no internet, not even reliable electricity.  
Prentiss: You sure know how to spoil a girl…  
Reid: Two weeks of just us, uninterrupted. We’d have to cook, clean, hang out - think of it as a beta test for cohabitation.  
Reid: The worst that can happen is that you come home with a great tan & dump me.  
Prentiss: Oh, Spence, do you really believe that’s the WORST that could happen?  
Reid: … Is that a ‘no’?  
…  
Prentiss: Okay, let’s do this. I’ll go.  
Reid: Good, ‘cause I’ve already placed a deposit. If you turned me down I’d be forced to ask Morgan along and I have zero desire to see him in a sarong.

\----

Reid: What’s Spanish for ‘chicken’?  
Prentiss: Pollo. Why?  
Reid: Just checking. I think one of the vendors in the market just called me ‘Chicken Chest’.  
Prentiss: Better get outta there quick before he splits you along the breast bone, grills you up and serves you with mole.  
Reid: You know, I’m not feeling the love so much anymore…  
Prentiss: I can’t help it if you’re a skinny white dude in the middle of a swarthy country. Don’t forget the limes.  
Reid: Got ‘em. Anything else?  
Prentiss: Nope. Just waiting for a skinny white dude down by the water. Naked. Too hot for clothes today.  
Reid: …  
Reid: Running back from town now.  
Prentiss: Thought you might ;)

\----

Garcia: How’s it goin’, chica?  
Prentiss: We’re both the color of burnt toast. All over.  
Garcia: I’m not sure I needed to know that.  
Prentiss: Can’t be helped. This is a clothing-optional country it would seem.  
Garcia: So, in other words - perfect for you two.  
Prentiss: Honestly, if I knew the first thing about raising goats, I’d never leave this place or wear underpants again.

 

J.J.: Tell me that you’re having some of the best coffee of your life down there.  
Reid: Not unless Emily has begun making coffee-flavored margaritas…  
J.J.: Oh, it’s THAT kind of vacation, is it? ;)  
Reid: To put it in perspective, I had to rewire the hut yesterday after it almost burnt down when we turned on a lamp and a fan at the same time. Booze is a necessity.  
J.J.: The engineer strikes again.  
Reid: I don’t think there’s an engineer in this whole country. I could become their king and they will bring me guavas & rum by the sea as tribute.  
J.J.: You’re bombed right now, aren’t you?  
Reid: I HAVE TAMED THE INVISIBLE ELECTRIC BEAST! FALL ON YOUR KNEES BEFORE THE BENEVOLENT CHICKEN CHEST!  
J.J.: … Is this payback for something?  
Reid: The Dirty Flea.  
Reid: Emily is laughing so hard right now that she has scared the goats.  
J.J.: Goats? Fleas? *shrugs* See you when you get back, you weirdo.  
Reid: ;)

 

Garcia: So, according to Prentiss and J.J. you’re having a good time?  
Reid: *thumbs up*  
Reid: Em & I slept on the beach last night. Woke up this morning to a crab staring at me in judgment.  
Garcia: Cute. And a little strange. Has this clarified things for you?  
Reid: Yes. The beach belongs to the crab. My mistake.  
Garcia: I meant about you & Emily living together *eyeroll*  
Reid: I guess… I’m never gonna get a blinking sign, am I?  
Garcia: Love doesn’t work that way, Sweety. How much more proof do you need?  
Reid: It took 2 planes, a bus, a Land Rover & a mule-drawn cart to get here - we couldn’t be more isolated and it’s been wonderful…  
Garcia: But?  
Reid: But, she can do better than me, P. One day she’ll see that.  
Garcia: *sigh* You two will never ‘do better’ than each other but I guess that you’ll just have to figure that out the hard way, Stubborn McBlinkerpants.  
Reid: \:| 

\----

Reid: Hey.  
Prentiss: Hey. Whatcha doin’?  
Reid: Just finished washing all of the sand and rum out of my clothes. Everything smells like fabric softener and rush hour traffic again.  
Prentiss: Hmmm. I’m still doing mine.  
Reid: I miss you.  
Prentiss: :) It’s only been one day.  
Reid: I want to exercise my right to be a typical jerk & act as if your idea was actually mine & then take full credit for it.  
Prentiss: Am confused.  
Reid: Let’s move in together.  
…  
…  
Reid: Ummm, Em?  
Prentiss: HAD to make you sweat that one a bit.  
Reid: Okay, I deserved that.  
Prentiss: Yes, you did. And also, my answer is yes.  
Reid: Really???  
Prentiss: So long as you’re sure.  
Reid: Ask me that after we’re settled. I’m pretty sure that this is a ‘post hoc, ergo propter hoc’ situation.  
Prentiss: Stop it with the Latin, Chicken Chest. You’re making me hot ;)  
Reid: Emily?  
Prentiss: Yeah?  
Reid: You’re fabulous. Please be patient with me because I’m going to make a lot of lame missteps along the way.  
Prentiss: Back at ya, babe <3

\----

Prentiss: Guess who might be pregnant with an ocean sex baby?  
J.J.: EXPLAIN. THIS. TEXT.  
Prentiss: Costa Rican vacation with Reid. There was an evening with moonlight and skinny-dipping in the ocean and too many margaritas. Well, maybe not as many as you’d think…  
J.J.: Are you sure?  
Prentiss: I don’t know. But I forgot to pack my pills. THAT I’m sure of.  
J.J.: Have you told him?  
Prentiss: I don’t even know if it’s real…  
J.J.: TELL HIM! OMG, don’t fool around with this!  
Prentiss: He freaked out over moving in together. THIS news might send him on an aerial tour of D.C.  
…  
Prentiss: I’m scared, J.J. Like semi-naked co-ed running from an axe murderer scared.  
J.J.: Honey, he loves you. Tell him.  
Prentiss: I should confirm it first.  
Prentiss: Will you come with me?  
J.J.: Oh god *hugs you*

\----

J.J.: This shit is about to get real.  
Garcia: ???  
J.J.: If this doesn’t work out, we’re going to feel like the biggest assholes of all time.

\----

Prentiss: Hey. Got a minute?  
Reid: Sure.  
Prentiss: I’m late.  
Reid: Late for what?  
Prentiss: *sigh* I’m a woman telling a man whom she’s sleeping with that I’M LATE.  
…  
Reid: …I wanna say the right thing at this moment…  
Prentiss: Which is?  
Reid: I have absolutely no clue. Ummm, blood test? Home pregnancy kit?  
Prentiss: GP just called to confirm.  
…  
Reid: This is real.  
Prentiss: Yeah, really real.  
Reid: I don’t want to do this in texts.  
Prentiss: Okaaaaaay…  
Reid: Let me get out of this meeting and I’m going to call you. A minute, tops, and I’m calling you, okay? OK?  
Prentiss: ok  
Reid: I love you, Emily, I love you so much. Don’t think, move, freak out, or make any radical plans until you hear from me b/c you & I are doing this together, understand?  
Prentiss: Wow, you went from sexy nerd to my personal hero in just two sentences.

\----

Prentiss: Have bail money ready - I think I’m about to be wrongfully arrested.  
J.J.: Emily, WHAT’S GOING ON???  
Prentiss: It’s 1 pm & I’m crying in the Metro while holding my phone & and I think that a transit cop thinks he’s stumbled onto a suicide bomber.  
J.J.: Start making sense this instant, Prentiss.  
Prentiss: He loves me. I don’t understand how it happened, but he’s EXCITED about this.  
J.J.: Jesus… of course he is! If you could see yourselves like everyone else does you’d realize how satisfying you are together. It’s annoying.  
Prentiss: I can’t stop crying. My mascara’s in my shoes.  
J.J.: Welcome to your first trimester ;) Wait… what’s the cop doing?  
Prentiss: Flashed my credentials. Now he just thinks I’m a federal basketcase.  
J.J.: Nice save. Do you need me to come and pick you up?  
Prentiss: Train’s here. I’ll see how far I can get before the threat of arrest happens again. Will keep you posted.

\----

Morgan: Listen, I’ve kept my nose outta this since it started but Prentiss just walked in and she looks like a wet rag - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?  
Reid: ??? Is she okay? Have you asked her what happened?  
Morgan: Weepy ladies ain’t my bag. I’m waiting for an explanation, Pretty Boy.  
Reid: Jeez, I thought that Garcia would have told you faster than the speed of light…  
Morgan: Told me WHAT?  
Reid: We’re pregnant. Well, Emily’s doing all the work, really. We just found out.  
Morgan: Whoa!  
Reid: I feel really weird talking about it…  
Morgan: Yer gonna be a Daddy!  
Reid: Yes, that’s my understanding of this process as well >:/  
Morgan: Alright, alright, no need to get snarky. You okay with it? I mean, I’m guessing you guys didn’t plan this.  
Reid: It’s a shock, but… I feel about 9 feet tall at the moment. And stupidly brave.  
Morgan: That’s your inner Caveman stretching his legs… :)  
Reid: I’m also terrified.  
Morgan: …aaaand that’s the rest of you chiming in. You’re gonna do fine, kid. We’re all gonna be here for you both.  
Morgan: This also means that you and Prentiss have to officially ‘come out’ as a couple now…  
Reid: Oh god… this is getting geometrically complicated.  
Morgan: Relax. It’s not as if we all missed you ogling Prentiss’s caboose for the past 8 months.  
Reid: Ogling?!  
Morgan: Oh yeah, yer a smooth operator ;)

\----

Hotch: Congratulations, and you’re getting written up.  
Reid: Ummm, thanks?

 

Rossi: I wished you had told me that you were into younger men. I used some of my best stuff on you…  
Prentiss: *smooch*  
Rossi: By the way, ‘David’ is a great name for a boy.

 

Anderson: So THIS is why you never gave me a chance! I see now that there’s no way I could compete with a length of dental floss who possesses a PhD!  
Reid: Actually, it’s 3 PhDs, Anderson…  
Anderson: Shit. Wrong number. Would you believe that this isn’t about you and Prentiss?  
Reid: No.  
Anderson: Well, congratulations!  
Reid: Stay away from Prentiss, Anderson. She’s saturated in hormones right now and once told me that she knew how to kill someone with a stapler. 

\----

Reid: Hello.  
Prentiss: Morning, sunshine :)  
Reid: Where are you?  
Prentiss: Having brunch with J.J. & Garcia. I’m the only one not drinking mimosas. It blows.  
Reid: Oh. Would you be able to answer some questions that I currently have?  
Prentiss: Sure. Fire away.  
Reid: Why am I in your bathtub?  
Prentiss: You wanted protection from snakes.  
Reid: Snakes?  
Prentiss: Yes. Apparently Rossi ordered shots called ‘snake eyes’ all night and you were concerned that you were being surveilled. By snakes.  
Reid: …moving on. Where are my pants?  
Prentiss: Dunno. Perhaps that’s something that you should also attribute to the snakes.  
Reid: Surprisingly plausible, all things considered. Now, how did I get to your place?  
Prentiss: The guys brought you by when you refused to go home. You were all pretty wrecked, but you know Hotch - he can seem in control while talking to invisible people.  
Reid: Oh god…  
Prentiss: After we settled you in the tub, they all crashed in my living room. It smells like a frat house during frosh week in there.  
Reid: This explains the dream I had about Morgan peeing next to my bed…  
Prentiss: Your drunk was truly epic. They hoisted you thru the door, you saw me and proclaimed “This woman!”, hugged me, then placed me in a state of eternal ‘dibs’ and passed out.  
Reid: I’m trying to think of a more impressive synonym for ‘apologize’…  
Prentiss: We haven’t even gotten to your text messages yet.  
Reid: …  
Prentiss: It’s amazing to me that you spelled ‘drunk’ wrong but got ‘pterodactyl’ right.  
Reid: I’m going to go the way of my forefathers & set myself adrift on a flaming barge in the Potomac.  
Prentiss: Don’t do that. I sorta like that you called dibs on me :)

\---

J.J.: How’s the move going?  
Prentiss: Good. We christened the whole apt, including the balcony. I’m 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.  
J.J.: *facepalm* You two just don’t know when to quit, do you?  
Prentiss: The deed is done. Might as well enjoy it *grins*

\----

Prentiss: How much longer are you going to be in Oklahoma for this custodial interview???  
Reid: Coming home tomorrow. What’s wrong? Are you okay?  
Prentiss: No, I’m not okay. I’m pregnant, hungry all the time for really weird shit, I’m HORNY LIKE WHOA, and my man is spending his time flirting with incarcerated deviants.  
Reid: I am emphatically NOT flirting with deviants. Unless you qualify at the moment.  
Reid: What brought this on?  
Prentiss: Like there needs to be a reason OTHER than hormones… but, I was watching Immortal and now I’m aroused and freaked out by Egyptian gods.  
Reid: You’d be hot with blue hair ;)  
Prentiss: I. Want. You. Be here right now - I demand it.  
Reid: Jesus, Em… I still have hours of work ahead of me. It’s gonna be hard to focus what with all of my blood supply heading south…  
Prentiss: You just said ‘hard’ and ‘head’… it seems as though neither one of us is prepared to give the other a break tonight.  
Reid: I’ll be back tomorrow. We can break each other repeatedly then. Promise.  
Prentiss: Ugh! Did you unpack a box labeled ‘Small Housewares’?  
Reid: >:/ Yes. Your sex toys are in a grey box at the bottom of the hall closet next to the umbrellas.  
Prentiss: I’ll be thinking of you the whole time, baby, I swear :)

\----

Prentiss: Stop staring. You’re supposed to be geoprofiling.  
Reid: You’re beautiful.  
Prentiss: I’m wearing mismatched socks, my pants are too tight across my belly, I make old lady noises when I try to stand up, and I have to pee every 60 seconds.  
Reid: You. Are. Beautiful.  
Prentiss: I knew you were a keeper from the start ;)

\----

Unknown Caller: The UnSub is Titus, not Hauser. He’s in an abandoned industrial site approx. 20 miles sw of Houston.  
Prentiss: Who is this?  
Unknown Caller: Reid. Followed up a lead on Hauser, caught sight of him, followed him to Titus. Titus killed Hauser, grabbed me. Taken to new location. Blindfolded but have basic idea of location.  
Prentiss: Can you get out?  
Unknown Caller: Been bluffing him for 2 hrs with talk but he’s on the edge. Just a matter of time. Won’t be taken alive.  
Prentiss: CAN U GET OUT?  
Unknown Caller: In a locked room. No weapon. He left his phone - don’t know if it was purposeful. He’ll be back in a min.  
Prentiss: Okay. SWAT has scrambled. Garcia is triangulating your location. STALL.  
Unknown Caller: I’m sorry, Emily - I screwed up here. I love you. Remember that.  
Prentiss: Don’t you start saying your goodbyes, Spencer! Fight him! Anything can be a weapon - belt, pen, shoe laces, a book… find something & FIGHT!  
Unknown Caller: I can hear him coming back  
Prentiss: FIGHT HIM SPENCE!  
Prentiss: REID???  
…  
…  
Prentiss: Spencer?  
…  
…  
Prentiss: oh god please  
…  
…  
…  
Unknown Caller: Agent Prentiss, this is Officer Candelera. Suspect is down + Dr. Reid is with EMS. He’ll be ok. Said to tell you thx for the tip about the shoe laces.

\----

Reid: How’s it going?  
Prentiss: OPR can bite me.  
Reid: LOL. I hope that you were more diplomatic than that.  
Prentiss: Why bother when they are going to waste my time by shitting all over my life choices? I already have a mother for that.  
Prentiss: Seriously. All I did was fall in love with a teammate. Considering the 90 hr workweeks we all put in, it was inevitable.  
Reid: It’s still against policy.  
Prentiss: Fuck policy. It’s totally unenforceable. Even Hotch said that. And it hasn’t affected my job performance.  
Reid: Except you’re pregnant and you coached me into killing someone with my shoes and ur mad as hell & not gonna take it anymore  
Prentiss: God, I love that movie… And underpaid too. Don’t forget that.  
Prentiss: LET them fire me. I’ll go be a goat herder in Costa Rica.  
Reid: That would be quite something. But they won’t fire you.  
Prentiss: How do you know?  
Reid: Hotch wouldn’t stand for it. Neither would I. Basically, the Bureau can’t afford to lose all 3 of us.  
Prentiss: You are really calm about this.  
Reid: I am. I have something more important on my mind.  
Prentiss: MORE important than us losing our jobs?  
Reid: Yep. I’m gonna ask a girl to marry me.  
…  
Prentiss: Please restate your request.  
Reid: Marry me, Em. After the Titus case, I’m not going to waste any more time on doubt.  
Prentiss: YOU’RE ASKING ME TO MARRY YOU VIA TEXT MESSAGE WHILE I’M ON A BREAK FROM MY OPR HEARING???  
Reid: Ummm, yes?  
Prentiss: Remember when you asked me to be patient because you were gonna do lame stuff? THIS is lame.  
Reid: Oh. Well, I thought  
Prentiss: And I accept.  
Reid: Huh?  
Prentiss: I will marry you. You didn’t ask anyone for advice on this, did you?  
Reid: No  
Prentiss: It shows.  
Reid: Listen, I’m starting to feel a little insulted here… I love you and I want to be with you for good. Why is that lame?  
Prentiss: I love you too - it’s still lame. When do you want to do this?  
Reid: Whenever your molten anger cools.  
Prentiss: Given bureaucratic buck-passing and hormone levels that could take months. How about tomorrow? At the municipal court.  
Reid: That soon? Don’t you want a  
Prentiss: I want to marry you. You want to marry me. Why wait?  
Reid: Fine. Tomorrow. 4pm. Try to be pleasant.  
Prentiss: Fine. And I make no promises about civility.

\----

Garcia: CHECK YOUR EMAIL RIGHT. NOW.  
…  
J.J.: Oh my God… what the hell?!?  
Garcia: Is it possible that it’s some sort of elaborate prank?  
J.J.: Standby!  
…  
…  
J.J.: Nope. My contact at the county registrar’s office confirms the receipt of their marriage license…  
Garcia: Wow, you really do know everyone, don’t you? Hold on… incoming text from Morgan…

 

Morgan: They got married???  
Garcia: I guess so. Did he say anything to you about this?  
Morgan: No way. I wouldn’t keep this from you - I value my manhood too much.  
Garcia: I have trained you well. Oh, wait… Genius is checking in…

 

Reid: Remain calm.  
Garcia: You’ve got some ‘esplaining to do…  
Reid: I think we have figured it out… she’s my wife when she’s here and gives me advice on how to incapacitate guys with household items when she’s 1000 miles away.  
Reid: I finally got what you’ve been saying for months, P. And I elected to stop being a dumbass about it.  
Garcia: Oh, Sweety! I think I have something in my eye…. <3

 

Prentiss: Are you mad that we didn’t tell you ahead of time? Don’t be mad…  
J.J.: No one’s mad. Just shocked. The whole office looks like a school of wide-mouth bass at the moment…  
Prentiss: LOL!  
J.J.: What was the hurry?  
Prentiss: I’m 5 months pregnant and probably about to get fired. Seemed as good a time as any.  
J.J.: Yer not gonna get fired.  
Prentiss: Okay, maybe not. Maybe I just wanted to make it legal before he changed his mind.  
J.J.: Wow, you two really have a blind spot about this, don’t you?  
Prentiss: About what?  
J.J.: Reid’s been gone on you from day one. I’ll bet you a whole month’s salary that HE wanted to marry you quickly before YOU came to your senses. You’re like an Abbott & Costello routine…  
Prentiss: Really? It’s just… wildly inappropriate sex life aside… he’s IT for me, ya know?  
J.J.: You’re crying right now, aren’t you?  
Prentiss: Perhaps.  
J.J.: Me too :)

 

Hotch: Congratulations. Please be sure to update your marital status and emergency contact info with HR.  
Reid: I’m not getting written up this time?  
Hotch: I’m a sucker for happy endings.  
Hotch: If you tell anyone that, I’ll shoot you.  
Reid: Understood.

 

Rossi: I want to get you guys something nice. How about putting Unborn Prentiss-Reid through college? Sound good?  
Prentiss: *eyeroll* Show off. I love you.  
Rossi: Let’s keep that revelation on the QT from the new ‘Mister Prentiss’, shall we? ;)

\----

Prentiss: Husband  
Reid: Yes, Wife?  
Prentiss: OMG, that still feels great :D  
Reid: YES IT DOES.

\----

Hotch: Just finished my testimony at your OPR hearing. Expect to get official confirmation that you’ve been cleared within the next day or so.  
Prentiss: How did you manage that?  
Hotch: I argued the constitutional illegality of the Bureau’s anti-fraternization policy and subtly suggested that I’d do so again as your lawyer when you bring a wrongful dismissal suit against them under the full scrutiny of every D.C. newspaper thanks to a certain communications liaison with frightening media connections.  
Prentiss: You’re terrifying. Thank God you like us.  
Hotch: This comment has made me smile. It’s hard to tell because it looks like every other expression I have.  
Hotch: I’m very happy for you, Emily. See you in the office on Monday.

\----

Prentiss: Hey.  
Reid: Where have you been all day? It’s like your phone was swallowed by a wormhole…  
Prentiss: Baltimore morgue building must be lined with lead or something. And, Christ!, so many stairs!  
Reid: You shouldn’t be doing that >:(  
Prentiss: I’m pregnant, not a piece of Waterford crystal… Besides Rossi has been fussing like an Italian grandmother all day. I’m fine, babe.  
Reid: Please allow me the right to worry.  
Prentiss: Is it weird that I find that sexy?  
Reid: All the books said that the 3rd trimester would be a sideshow of inappropriateness…  
Prentiss: Stop it. You’re making me hot.  
Reid: Seriously?  
Prentiss: Yes. I’m retaining water like a camel, there’s a restless ferret bouncing on my bladder, I can’t sit down/stand up/move in a timely fashion but I still want yer skinny hot bod that did this to me in the 1st place. It’s totally messed up.  
Reid: … okay, now I’m a little scared of you…  
Prentiss: *grins* Right where I want you. Bring home some Chunky Monkey & a bottle of pickled onions and no one gets hurt.

\----


End file.
